Beyond the Banal

On the 2nd of July 2013 I was admitted to  L'Établissement Public de Santé Mentale, Saint Avé near Vannes, France, to ward "Unité des Sources" . The month I spent in hospital was to be one of the most bizarre, surreal, frightening, enlightening and amazing experiences of my life, but despite this it took another 3 G.P's, several more journeys through a range of antidepressants, and a kindly lady psychiatrist before I was properly diagnosed and treated. I have type two bipolar disorder which means I get all the downs, but non of the ups. I take Quetiapine, an antipsychotic which appears to suit me well, and for the first time in years I feel I might finally be safe from myself.

I have recently surfaced from what was my most significant brush with depression since first being diagnosed in 2008, and since coming off all medication in March 2011, I have been lucky enough to have a stable two year run, free from anything more serious than occasionally feeling a bit fed up. Like everyone I've had my off days and days when I've felt pretty down in the dumps, "manageable doldrums" as Wiiliam Styron describes them, which pass within a day or two. But this time was different and I knew it. It lasted about 7 weeks. It's a funny thing depression, you really don't know that it's happening to you the first time, but this  time I saw it coming and was able to do something about it.  The difficult bit was knowing how long to carry on trying to manage it myself, without risking sliding to the point where it is possible to lose sight of how ill you are or simply don't care anymore . I couldn't really tell how far from that point I was

I have been trying to write this post for about a month now but just can't seem to get anywhere with it. Maybe it is because I am not ready to revisit that period of my life, or am afraid that I have become desensitised to the idea of taking ones own life and am afraid of offending or shocking. Unfortunately I think it may have more to do with the shame and guilt I feel about it all than anything else.  I recently caught up with an old friend through one of the social network sites having lost touch some 20 odd years ago. I wrote, saying that my life had turned out pretty good apart from having been ill a couple of years ago - I didn't say what had been wrong with me. He wrote back saying that he too had been ill around the same time and had been treated for cancer. I instantly regretted mentioning I had been unwell as I knew I would have to tell my story at some point or other and I was ashamed of it. In feeling such shame I have been unfaithful to both myself and other s

It's a funny thing depression, you really don't know that it's happening to you the first time, or rather you don't know that it's depression. You know you feel like shit but can't put your finger on it. It just creeps up on you and before you know it you have become somebody else, suspended in this weird place where everything seems pointless, tiresome, and too much trouble to bother yourself with. Y ou just have to hope that either some one finds you and brings you back, or that your sense of self preservation will kick in and you'll call for help.   I was 46 when it happened to me and I still can't think of a single reason why it happened. I have heard depression described as many things, The Black Dog being a popular one after Winston Churchill used it to refer to his own black moods. For me it felt like I was dragging round a bag of rocks in my stomach the whole time. I'm not even sure I noticed that the "thrill of living" had ev

When I suddenly decided to stop taking my Seroplex after a year of being on them, I found myself having bizarre and alarming physical symptoms, along with disturbing nightmares. What I was experiencing was a well documented condition known as  SSRI Discontinuation Syndrome. It occurs between one day and one week after reducing or completely discontinuing an SSRI Antidepressant.  The patient information leaflet which comes with every box of SSRI's acknowledges the possibility of "intolerable" reactions upon discontinuation of the treatment and advises  gradual weaning under careful surveillance over a period of several months. Unfortunately  it seems it isn't uncommon for Family Doctors (G.P's) to have little or no  knowledge of the debilitating and unpleasant symptoms associated with the discontinuation of treatment, so is often poorly managed. In my own case my G.P virtually dismissed their existence altogether.  Without the support of my Doctor I was

Some of the more common SSRI antidepressants include: Citalopram , also known as: Celexa, Cipramil, Cipram, Dalsan, Recital, Emocal, Sepram, Seropram, Citox, Cital Dapoxetine , also known as: Priligy Escitalopram ,  also known as: Lexapro, Cipralex, Seroplex, Esertia Fluoxetine ,  also known as: Prozac, Fontex, Seromex, Seronil, Sarafem, Ladose, Motivest, Flutop, Fluctin, Fluox, Depress, Lovan, Prodep Fluvoxamine , also known as: Luvox, Fevarin, Faverin, Dumyrox, Favoxil, Movox Paroxetine , also known as: Paxil, Seroxat, Sereupin, Aropax, Deroxat, Divarius, Rexetin, Xetanor, Paroxat, Loxamine, Deparoc Sertraline , also known as: Zoloft, Lustral, Serlain, Asentra

Now that I had found an explanation for what was causing my symptoms, I returned to my G.P for his advice. I know it can't be easy for family doctors these days, what with the instant availability of on-line information to the masses which once was the preserve of the enlightened few, but it is a fact that General Practitioners are just that - general Jacks of all trades, and they can't possibly be specialists in everything.  I can well understand how annoying it must be, when having studied for 9 years and earned the right to call oneself "Doctor" to have patients arrive at the surgery and inform you not only of what they think is wrong with them, but also how they think it should be treated based upon what they have read on the Internet. It is also fair to say that a lot of patients  do  actually know a lot more about their condition than their family doctor or nurse, and fortunately for them the information they need to make decisions about their treatment

One afternoon a few days later I was out walking my dogs when I started to feel quite unwell. I was having very strange sensations, like I was being zapped with an electrical current every few seconds, especially when I turned my head quickly. I was suddenly aware of every nerve pathway in my body and my brain felt as if it was vibrating and buzzing in my skull. These came in very brief bursts but at regular intervals, just a minute or two apart. I had had similar sensations on previous days, but nothing like this - these were intense, frequent and very unpleasant. I felt my eyes too were making strange rapid movements that I couldn't seem to control.  I hadn't been sleeping well and wondered if perhaps I was just tired or coming down with a cold, so I took myself off to bed for a couple of hours hoping to feel better after a bit of a nap. I know I fell asleep because I woke in a state of acute anxiety from a bad dream. The shock sensations were still there and over the nex

There's no denying it, if it wasn't for Seroplex I wouldn't be here now, of that I am 100% sure. But for the grace of Seroplex my chattels would long since have been disposed of, my assets divvied up and my remains scattered where no one can find them.  Of course, sitting here today, content and enjoying my life I have every reason to extol the virtues of antidepressants, but I also have sufficient bad memories of a long, difficult and unpleasant experience getting off them, to ask if God forbid the situation should ever arise again, would the person I become who needs these drugs have the wherewithal to face it all again?   This posting is about my experience of taking and coming off Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's) and I will try to keep it as objective as possible. I have made a list of the more common SSRI antidepressants at the foot of this page. I was first prescribed Seroplex by my G.P (family doctor) in October 2008 - I was given a pres