6. Self Deliverance and other short stories.

I have been trying to write this post for about a month now but just can't seem to get anywhere with it. Maybe it is because I am not ready to revisit that period of my life, or am afraid that I have become desensitised to the idea of taking ones own life and am afraid of offending or shocking. Unfortunately I think it may have more to do with the shame and guilt I feel about it all than anything else. 

I recently caught up with an old friend through one of the social network sites having lost touch some 20 odd years ago. I wrote, saying that my life had turned out pretty good apart from having been ill a couple of years ago - I didn't say what had been wrong with me. He wrote back saying that he too had been ill around the same time and had been treated for cancer. I instantly regretted mentioning I had been unwell as I knew I would have to tell my story at some point or other and I was ashamed of it. In feeling such shame I have been unfaithful to both myself and other sufferers of depression by perpetuating the stigma of mental illness, and by feeling hugely guilty for even daring to think that what I went through was tough, compared to what he had gone through. 

I couldn't help feeling how shameful it was that he was fighting to survive this thing that had been inflicted upon him, while I was trying to find a way to put an end to my life for apparently no good reason whatsoever. I know that I am both right and wrong to feel that way, but if people who have suffered depression feel ashamed by it, what chance do we have of making others take it seriously?

To a lot of people I suspect depression is seen as a bad dose of being down in the dumps which, with a bit of effort on the part of the sufferer can and should be shaken off, and so we soldier on. 

When I resigned from my job last year, my boss, having been warned at interview that I was on antidepressants, put a lot of pressure on me to stay on, and reminded me that I was "fragile" and would be risking my mental health by starting a new job elsewhere. I still can't believe that having suffered depression that I was now considered "fragile", or that in order to have suffered depression requires being "fragile" in the first place.  

It is really hard to open up to people and talk about what you went through when you fear that they have probably already made their minds up about it all and so couldn't possibly begin to understand it. I read a quote somewhere years ago that I have tried to live by "Don't be a prisoner of your own preconceptions". I know a lot of people have really strong views about depression and suicide - it was bad enough going through it all without risking being misunderstood or regarded as a mad woman too, so I don't discuss it with anybody I see on a day to day basis.  

The shame I feel isn't uncommon. Self deprecation and denial / lack of recognition of ones abilities and achievements is the nature of the beast and is something I have to work through, hence the blog. I am trying to offload it and bury it amongst sewing patterns and recipes and hope it wont be noticed. I haven't written these posts in the hope that they will be read by millions, in fact I doubt they will be read by anybody other than those I have told about it. It is more a therapeutic medium for me to talk and think my depression through and prepare for its possible return. 

My blog is anonymous and doesn't comment on or deny my feelings. In fact validation of what depression feels like is really important when you've been through it, and sad as it may seem, the more credence the person validating those feelings has, the more likely it is to be accepted by the masses as being a genuine illness, and not just some personality defect or sub-standard coping mechanism. 

Following his own experience with depression, former All Black John Kirwan is fronting an apparently successful depression awareness campaign in New Zealand and attempting to break down stereotypes. Here is a clip of a short dramatisation of the difficulty he faced knowing he needed help but not knowing how to ask for it: All Blacks Don't Cry - the film is moving and I could relate to everything he was talking about.

On this side of the globe Stephen Fry (of Jeeves & Wooster fame) has produced a few programs about depression. One of his programs, The Secret Life of The Manic Depressive involves speaking to other famous sufferers of depression such as Robbie Willliams, Carrie Fisher, Bill Oddie and Rick Stein. Here is a clip of him discussing his program: Stephen Fry and the entire 2 part documentary can be found on You Tube. I have posted links to other interesting videos about depression on the right hand side of this page.

It is so important that people like John Kirwan and Stephen Fry become the standard bearers and raise awareness about depression. There is still so much ignorance and stigma surrounding it, yet it is as fatal an illness as any other. According to the World Health Organisation almost one million people die from suicide each year, that's a "global" mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds, and I can't help wondering how many of those could be prevented if only we could cast off our Victorian attitudes towards mental illness. 

It could also be argued that perhaps they shouldn't all necessarily be prevented at all. Maybe one of the reasons that suicide is so difficult to accept is because we believe it could have and should be prevented. Perhaps we need to change our attitude and recognise that sometimes when someone decides they are tired of living, that they don't necessarily have be suffering a "treatable" mental illness to be feeling that way. Maybe no amount of pills or therapy will ever make life bearable again so what right have we to insist that a person endures until they die from natural causes. I think another reason that suicide is considered so shocking is because the methods used are usually violent and disturbing. Nobody who commits suicide dies peacefully and with dignity in their bed from a loss of the will to live.

I have known 3 people who have taken their own lives and I have thought about them a lot recently, especially in the light of my own experience. One was a school friend I bumped into after several years, in the corridor of the hospital where I worked. It was obvious that something wasn't right and apparently he was an inpatient in the psychiatric wing. I didn't have much time to chat and so promised to stop by after my shift at 4 'o'clock, but that afternoon he walked into town and threw himself from the top of one of the multi-storey car parks. That was my first encounter with suicide and the dreadfulness of it disturbed me for a long time as I tried and failed to understand his frame of mind as he stepped off that building. 

The second was a colleague from the operating suite who popped in to our ICU as he often did to say hello before starting his night shift as an anaesthetic technician. He talked of the pantomime he was rehearsing with the local amateur dramatics group and of the course he would be starting in a couple of months time which would improve his chances of promotion and further his career. He was found dead by the oncoming day shift with an anaesthetic mask strapped in place and the nitrogen valves open. At the time I was shocked by the ease with which he had concealed that anything was wrong but now I know just how easy it is.

Two years ago another colleague of mine threw herself head first down the well in her garden and drowned. She had warned us that she wasn't feeling great and had even hinted that she might possibly take action to end her misery. We sent her home, rang her husband and advised him to seek help. Whilst my initial reaction was one of shock, I felt a great sadness that she had died in such a hideous and undignified manner in order to put an end to her misery.

  

Most of the information I found on how to end ones life was directed towards those with incurable physical illnesses. Somehow we find this easier to understand, if reluctantly, and so for the time being, ending your own life for any other reason remains unacceptable to most. I have also noticed increasing use of the term "self deliverance" to describe suicide. What a neat, almost medical term it is and I am sure it is probably a whole lot easier to say for those who find the word "suicide" just too difficult - even I feel more at ease with it and if it helps get people talking about it, I am all for calling it anything you like.

Writer Terry Pratchett recently presented a documentary about assisted death. He has the onset of Alzheimer's disease and has considered taking his own life. Again, this subject focuses on the right to die of people suffering physical terminal illnesses and not mental illness, but is thought-provoking and keeps the debate alive. Terry Pratchett - Choosing to Die You Tube have blocked the fourth and final part of this documentary, but a link to the entire program is available.